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The Birth Mag

Postpartum Depression Tried To Kill Me, Community Saved Me

October 1, 2019

by A. Jones

Content warning: mention of traumatic birth, attempted suicide, postpartum mood disorders, unplanned cesarean, and failure to thrive in a newborn.

My baby was born in the hospital that was across the street from my apartment. My OB was the first one that came up on my insurance’s website. They were convenient, and I trusted their credentials completely. They knew what they were doing, so I didn’t have to. I didn’t take a childbirth class because my doctor reassured me they only help women who are trying to suffer through without an epidural. I didn’t hire a doula because my doctor promised me they would start an epidural as soon as I had contractions and I would sleep through labor. I came in for an induction on my due date. I never went past 2cm dilation. I had a cesarean for failure to progress. After, a nurse reassured me that I would never have to go through labor again. Any other births would be scheduled surgeries. I had never wanted an intervention free birth, but I felt heartbroken. It all felt wrong.

I developed postpartum depression, but didn’t know what was going on. I felt like a failure as a mother as all of my expectations went bust. I tried to kill myself. While I was hospitalized, my husband filed for divorce. I didn’t care. I felt like he and our son were better off without me. The fact that they were apparently doing okay without me cemented the thought. I had every intention of trying again once I was released.

While I was still in inpatient care, my incision was not healing well. The nurse who came to help with wound care talked to me while she worked. She told me about her own cesarean, and how traumatic it was for her. She told me about the VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) she eventually had and the support she got from other VBAC parents. No one had talked to me before about how traumatic an unplanned cesarean can be. Everything before had been “but you have a healthy baby”. After a few talks, I broke down crying and released everything that I’d had bottled up since my son’s birth. She taught me that you can love your baby and hate their birth at the same time. She also put a flier for a VBAC support group in my discharge paperwork. She saved my life.

I didn’t see my son from two weeks old to three months. At that time, I found out he and his father had not been great. He hadn’t gained much weight after I went away and had been diagnosed with failure to thrive. I had joined a VBAC support group on Facebook after I got out of the hospital, and a few members of that group suggested that I try to relactate. After a lot of Googling and uncomfortable conversations with my now ex, we hired an IBCLC to help and I moved back into what had been our apartment to feed our son. Milk came back much faster than anyone expected. We used a supplementary nursing system (SNS) to give him formula at the breast for the first two weeks. After that, I could pump plenty. By one month, we didn’t need the SNS and he was gaining weight fast.

Now I was starting to feel like a leaky, but mostly normal human again. My son spent time with his father most evenings, but the rest of the time we got to make up for lost bonding time. I never wanted to be apart long because he needed to nurse really often, but it felt awkward being home with his dad while we went through a divorce. I started going to VBAC and postpartum mood disorder support group meetings in the evenings.

These meetings unraveled everything I believed about birth in America. I had no idea that your doctor and hospital determine your chance of a cesarean more than your own health does. I didn’t know that the OB I went to has an over 60% cesarean rate, or that I could ask about it. I had never heard of evidence based care. I thought I lived in one of the best places on earth to give birth, and then found out the maternal mortality rate is really bad. The thing that wrecked me was finding out that at 2cm dilated, I was cut for failure to progress when I wasn’t technically even in labor.

My son is in school now. He’s a fast runner who loves Batman and swinging really high. He continued to thrive after we got back to breastfeeding, and nursed until he was 18 months. Nursing him was the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

This is the hardest story I could tell. I am much better educated about birth now. I wanted to be a birth doula, but after training and attending a few births I have realized that I still have a lot of healing left to do. I hate that I had to learn the hard way, and am still looking for the right path to help others avoid doing the same. Until I find it, I can at least help set up an SNS for any friend that needs one.

Filed Under: Birth Community, Birth Story

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Happy new year! 2020 was rough on the Birth Mag cr Happy new year! 2020 was rough on the Birth Mag crew, and we know it was for many of you as well. This turned out to be a terrible year to launch a new magazine project, but it's over, and we're moving forward.

What's next then? First and foremost, the next print issue is coming! Look for a sneak peek of the upcoming cover next week. We are also settling in to a more consistent release of digital content going forward. 

We are so thankful for everyone who has hung in there with us through the tumultuous ride that was 2020, and look forward to bringing you so much more in 2021!

#thebirthmag #birthwork #birthworkers #midwifery #doulalife
New on the website this week, from Dr. Ali Davis, New on the website this week, from Dr. Ali Davis, DC (@dr_ali_thechiro ): 

"Someone you know is LGBTQIA+, possibly even someone you love.
If you’ve been in practice for any length of time, chances are you have LGBTQIA+ clients.
Even if you don’t know which ones they are.
Even if you practice in a small rural town.
Even if you think your practice serves a 'different' niche of clientele."

Read the full article at www.thebirthmag.com 

#inclusivecare #inclusionmatters #lgbtqia #lgbtqbirthmatters #queerparents #thebirthmag #birthworkforall
Repost of a snippet of a live from @maytethewombdo Repost of a snippet of a live from @maytethewombdoula and @mujer_dela_tierra discussing violence in American midwifery. You can find the full length video over on Mayte's page, and I strongly encourage everyone, especially white midwives, to go watch it. There's some excellent explanation of differences between traditional midwifery (specifically parteras) and modern midwifery as typical in the USA, and the ways bias impacts care. Warning: this is a hard conversation and does include talk about loss of a baby.
New this week on the website, some thoughts from @ New this week on the website, some thoughts from @doula_barb of @birth_fort_worth on sustainable birthwork practices, because we all know that burnout is real.

"Sustainability.

These days, it almost seems like a buzz word in the birth world. A free download. A hashtag. A commodity, even.

In reality, though, sustainability in birthwork, particularly in the doula-world, means getting to do the work that sets your soul on fire for longer than a few years.

Sustainability means creating a business from which you don’t need to regularly take self-care, or 'burnout breaks'. It’s so much more than warm baths, massages, mantras and aromatherapy.

It’s understanding that you have value. It’s understanding that it’s ok to charge whatever it takes to make you feel GOOD about walking out the door and leaving your life behind for an unknown amount of time. It’s about business models and contracts. It’s about boundaries."

Read the entire article on www.thebirthmag.com (link in bio).

#birthwork #birthworkers #doulalife #midwifery #birthsupport #thebirthmag
New on TheBirthMag.com this week from Juli Tilsner New on TheBirthMag.com this week from Juli Tilsner (@midwifejuli.cornerstone ): 
"Continuity of care and continuous labor support are intertwined as one of the most difficult aspects of birth work.  They can lead to severe burnout and limit our income when we don’t have partnerships or backups available. We can easily justify taking more clients in a month than we know we should, making these exceptions because we tell ourselves 'they need us' and saying no breaks our hearts. Most of us have broken our own number of clients per month rule, maybe more than once. Maybe it turned out OK, possibly not."

Read the full article on the website. Link in bio!

Photo by @natbro.photo

#doula #doulalife #doulaservices #midwife #midwifery #midwifelife #birthwork #birthworkers #birthsupport
New on the website this week: Raichal Reed (@mcdon New on the website this week: Raichal Reed (@mcdonald_herbalist ) shares some information about waterbirth and Covid-19. 

"According to the CDC, 'There is no evidence that COVID-19 can be spread to humans through the use of pools and hot tubs. Proper operation, maintenance, and disinfection of pools and hot tubs should remove or inactive the virus that causes COVID-19'. All rules that currently stand for a birthing person to be able to be in the pool (no fever, respiratory issues, etc.) should stay the same so that those who are sick in general are not in the water. Infections and how they spread vary and because there is no current documentation as to every way a person can contract the COVID-19 it is important to have proper personal protective equipment with each birthing person. Currently the CDC has not found any traces of COVID-19 in any municipal water systems, but they have not properly studied well water so their research is to be determined."

You can read more on TheBirthMag.com! Link in bio.

#waterbirth #birthduringcovid19
#midwifery #birthsupport
#birthwork #bornin2020
The lactation issue is out! We had an abundance of The lactation issue is out! We had an abundance of delays, but they have now all been mailed. If you've been waiting on this issue, keep an eye on your mailbox, because it is on the way!
Community led, community based. The Birth Mag is l Community led, community based. The Birth Mag is looking for new submissions! Are you a birth worker? Are you interested in helping your fellow birth workers learn and grow to be more inclusive and educated on the issues birthing people are facing today? We want to hear from you! Compensation starts at $35 for any article that is used. Please e-mail us at thebirthmag@gmail.com for more information or to submit an article.
#Repost @thevaginachronicles
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There is so much to learn from this week. So much to give and receive. .
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This list is not an extensive and in no particular order but it is some of the HARD and persistent work that we must do. .
.
Black people breastfeed. Even when we tell you no after you’ve asked 15 times if we want formula. Even when we are afraid of what it looks like and how we can continue It. Even when we see how you look at our breasts not understanding how different they can be. Even when we must figure out breastfeeding complexities by ourself. Even when we had to do it for you, before we could do it for our own children. .
.
WE BREASTFEED!
#Repost @blkbfingweek • • • • • • HAPP #Repost @blkbfingweek
• • • • • •
HAPPY BLACK BREASTFEEDING WEEK! 🤩

By our histories and by the truths we know from living, our possibilities are greater than any imagination. 

For all the days that have felt hopeless, we invite you to enter a period of nourishment to revive.

Where there has been loss, grief and uncertainty, our restoration is key to being present and imagining healthy futures. 

And all through #BBW20, we reclaim our time, lives and families. 

Let’s gooooooo! 

#ReviveRestoreReclaim #blackbreastfeedingweek

Artist: Andrea Pippins @andreapippins
#Repost @storkandcradleclasses • • • • • #Repost @storkandcradleclasses
• • • • • •
New York, New York

Today starts Native Breastfeeding Week. Here are some native breastfeeding facts you should know.

-“The mission of the Native Breastfeeding Week community is to reflect the diversity of native breast-feeding experiences and to encourage and uplift visibility of native breast-feeding experiences”
-“this community also helps to address the inequality and injustice of indigenous mothers and their abilities to practice their roles in accordance to the tribal communities they dissent from”
-American Indian and American Native rates of breastfeeding initiation is 73% versus the national average of 83%.
-Formula supplementation is high (97%) for mothers who didn’t initiate.
-many native mother’s insurance doesn’t cover donor milk which could greatly benefit infants.
-many native women lack breastfeeding support because of social and cultural norms.

Facts are from @ja_lyonhawk article posted at illusa.org 2019

Please visit Native Breastfeeding Week’s Facebook Page for info about the virtual events you can support this week. ❤️

#indigenousbreastfeeding #indigenouswomen #americanindian 
#nativebreastfeedingweek #blackibclc #ibclc #doulasupport #doulas #blackmidwives #midwives #breastfeedingsupport #storkandcradle
#Repost @taprootdoula • • • • • • Blac #Repost @taprootdoula
• • • • • •
Black Maternal Health Week is EVERY week •
•
Art @designedbydg •
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The best way I’ve improved my ability to care for black parents is to listen to them. But before I could learn to listen, I had to commit to the LIFELONG task of confronting my biases against them. I must also commit over and over to the a promise that I would confront bias and racism I witness in my colleagues, providers, leadership and institution. This involves being brave, frank and unapologetic, and well-versed in the mechanisms for reporting abusive and problematic  behavior, even in situations with an imbalance of power (nurse v. physician, etc.) Anti-blackness is the default in our culture. As healthcare workers if we don’t intentionally, diligently, and sustainably work to confront and destroy our biases, these biases WILL lead to black birthing people and babies’ harm and death.
•
Every birth worker - doctor, nurse, doula, midwife - needs to invest in an anti-racism training - @rebirthequity ~ @theblackdoula ~ @shishi.rose ~ @abide_women are some leaders who receive compensation to help you confront your biases against black birthing people. Anti-racism training is not CULTURAL COMPETENCY TRAINING. Cultural competency training is required by most employers, it’s been around for a while, and it doesn’t change s#%^.
•
Follow 
@blackmamasmatter @4kira4moms to keep up to date on ways you can learn more and legislation that is working towards the goal of protecting black parents and babies from medical racism that causes harm.

#blackmamasmatter #maternalmortality #blackmaternalhealthweek
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